MY FOCUS GROUP
I've always had a very active and chatty inner dialogue. When I was little, it started off as just one voice, almost like a narrator. They would pop in for important contributions but stayed off in the wings most of the time. As I got older, this voice got more complex; the ME became WE. My different emotions and personalities began to take up real estate in my mind. Not too long after, Anxiety moved in and began to overpower all of my other voices. This power struggle for which voice got to have the master suite of my mind has been a battle, prolonged over most of my high school and college years. But what if it didn’t have to be this way?
My brain has always functioned in a way where I'm living my life in real time and space while simultaneously watching it like a movie in my head. My vivid imagination has given me the gift of hypervigilance, hyper awareness, and an overactive mind in general.
Inner dialogues can get quite unruly and chaotic, much like my own; which is why we need a moderator. ME! Or hey, reader: YOU!
I just recently discovered a TED Talk called, How to Talk to the Worst Parts of Yourself by Karen Faith. She talks about how she visualizes her inner dialogue as a focus group. A diverse mix of individuals in a folding chair circle, bringing all sorts of quirks, craziness, and trauma to the table.
This TED Talk immediately changed something in me. I love a good analogy, and this one is no different. Upon watching, I began to think about my focus group. Which parts of me are fighting for the master suite? Whose voice is driving my mind? Who deserves to be heard? And to further emphasize the visualization, I cartoonized each member of my focus group. And might I say, they are dying to meet you.
Let’s get on with some intros, welcome guest, that’s you:) to Olivia’s Focus Group. I am the moderator (Olivia) and I would like to invite you into our special little circle.
Meet JOY
First, we have Joy, she brings a batch of freshly baked cookies for everyone each week and is sure to hug all attendees with a beaming smile. She is optimistic, she is kind, she is content, and she's confident. Joy is also quite the hopeless romantic, absolutely loves talking to herself, and makes lots of jokes that go right over Anxiety's head.
MEET GLITTER
Seated beside Joy is Glitter. Glitter is exactly who you think she is. She represents the truest, most authentic parts of me. My hopes, my dreams, my personal style, everything that makes Olivia, Olivia. Joy and Glitter get along very well, I know you're surprised, and often work together to use their sparkly superpowers to outshine the more negative presences in the group.
MEET SELF CRITIC
Self Critic, mean girl, bully, whatever you want to call her, you probably know her. She arrives to group late, obviously, smacks her gum extra loud, and loves aiming an aggressive eye roll Joy's way. Whether you want to hear her opinion or not, she will give it in an ‘I’m not mean, I’m just blunt’ way. She loves to tear Olivia down and psychoanalyze every part of her. Don’t get Self-Critic started on comparison, it’s her favorite game, and word on the street is, she’s undefeated.
MEET POST-GRAD
Our newest addition to the group is Post-Grad. Every time we meet, she has a new idea, a new job she is excited about, a new job she gets rejected by, shares which city she wants to move to that week; she's kind of all over the place. Half the time she seems super excited but also nervous and confused. As you can imagine, Anxiety and Post-Grad hit it off pretty instantly, they go for coffee after group and cheers their double shots of espresso and ruminate in their biggest fears (btw group is at 7:00 p.m.)
MEET ANXIETY
One of the group’s veteran members, Anxiety sees her seniority as a leadership role. She always has a lot to share. Sometimes she gets so worked up, we need to do a breathing exercise as a circle, just to keep her from crashing out. Most of what Anxiety contributes is completely ridiculous, catastrophic, or downright scary. She’s kind of a mess, but we all just let her do her thing.
MEET BLOGGER
Blogger has been coming around a lot more lately, which is a lovely friendly face to see. She's very creative and very thoughtful; you can tell she's kind of just happy to be there. Having her around definitely helps balance out the group. Her active listening, genuine advice (borderline therapy), and presence create a sense of belonging and connection in our circle.
Anddd that’s the group!
Now that you know who’s who, let's assess what they have to say lately.
Post-Grad and Anxiety are very concerned about graduating from college. They want a plan, and they want it now. Self Critic’s judgmental gaze is not helping either. Irrational comparison and negative self-talk don’t nail down a big girl job any faster. Joy is not a fan of their perspective and would rather cherish the last month of this chapter. There are only 4 weekends left, so making the most of every moment is the only option. Glitter is thrilled to be tan from the heat wave and is cartwheeling with excitement at the thought of getting one step closer to our hopes and dreams. Blogger is documenting all of this with the overwhelming reminder that this is normal, and everything will work out:)
It’s time to step into my moderator role and choose which voices get to be heard and acted upon.
That is the beauty of a moderator: they actively listen to all requests (hopefully reasonable ones) and then choose the next course of action. I often forget the second part. My voices tend to blast a loud, muffled mess in my mind. Kind of like when you are listening to live music so loud you can’t hear yourself talking. It's overstimulating, and my avoidance just wants me to block out all of the voices to make it stop. Yes, this quiets Anxiety, but it also shuts out all positive voices too.
So now we moderate. Since coming across this analogy, I sit all of my voices down in their focus group circle and hear them out. This is the best way for me to reason with each of their concerns and gain a sense of mental clarity rather than shutting them out. We sit, we chat, we listen, and we maintain the balance. No voice talks over another. Each one gets to say their piece, and we move on to the next. It is at the end, I, the moderator, get to wield my power.
Let’s set a few focus group rules:
All of my voices are valid. These parts of me are speaking up for a reason, and the only way to grow is to welcome their contributions
Focus groups are a judgment-free zone, SO IS YOUR MIND. Acknowledge each voice equally and be kind to yourself. Welcome the worst parts of you, the deep, dark corners of your mind, into the circle. Hear them out and then give them a big group hug.
When the focus group ends, GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD. That action we are talking about? Yeah, do it. Physically do something to remind your body that while your mind is now clearer, your body needs the chance to move, re-regulate, etc.
Right now, it feels like Anxiety and Post-Grad are bullying Joy and Glitter into submission. Self-Critic is a careless bystander watching this all go down, and Blogger is just trying to keep any peace she can.
What do I want to do about this? How can I exercise my power and control?
First of all, everyone needs to sit down and take a breath. I understand you all have things to say and I want to listen but I can’t do that when you all talk over each other, so let’s do this one at a time. Anxiety go ahead you look like you are dying to speak.
“Ok, we are so terrified to graduate, fail miserably, oh and not get a job, we are trying so har–”
Anxiety slow down. I hear you and this is scary but we cannot stop time, and we cannot control the job market. And how can we fail if we haven’t even begun? Everything is going to work out, I promise.
(Post-Grad is coming in hot) “I agree with Anxiety, we don’t know what we are doing at all, and we feel like a planless failure.”
I get it Post-Grad. We have applied for so many jobs with no real promise of employment. After the college house lease ends, I have no clue where I will be living. This is so normal! Most soon-to-be college grads are in the same boat. All we can do is have fun and ride the wave.
Joy, please tell me you have something to bring the mood up; it’s getting bleak.
“Anxiety and Post-Grad, you guys are freaking out. How are we supposed to enjoy our last month of college when you are both crashing out? We have so many fun senior activities to look forward to! Let’s celebrate our accomplishments! This is such a surreal time we get to spend with all of our best friends in the same zip code. Let’s stop thinking about all of the uncontrollable stuff and just have fun!”
Joy that was great, thank you. I completely agree, what about you Glitter?
“I get that becoming an adult is scary, but what happened to being excited about our passions instead of stressing about them? There are so many interests, hobbies, and dreams to be stoked on. Let’s put our energy into creativity instead of worry. Anddd it’s almost summer! The season of tanning, beaching, happy hour, sunsets, and lots of time with pals in San Diego!!”
So true Glitter, thank you. Self Critic do you have anything to contribute?
“Not really I like what Anxiety said. I am more concerned with the hormonal breakout on my chin and the fact that our hair is oily, if we want to discuss that.”
No, no I think that’s fine…Blogger?
“I have been doodling this whole time but I will say that there is no use trying to control the uncontrollable, and let’s have fun!”
Great summary Blogger, that pretty much sums up our group for this week!
NOW WE ACT:
Physically, I am going to give myself scheduled time blocks to do job-related tasks. Instead of taking up my entire day, they are divided into manageable windows. I am also going to move my body. I have been obsessed with Yoga Box lately, not just for the cleansing sweat but the sense of calm and groundedness I feel at the end of every class. Let’s also do some fun actions! Like going out, getting dinner, watching the sunset, or any out-of-the-house activity!
And just like that, we have acknowledged, acted, and reflected on my inner dialogue. While my focus group can get lively and rambunctious, Karen Faith reminds me that when I welcome every single part of myself, judgment-free, that is when the growth happens. And what beauty there is in growth.
Thank you so much for reading, I challenge you to sit your voices down and start holding a focus group:) Let’s continue to learn from each other and GROW TOGETHER!
As always, xoxo, HAGO.
