MY FOCUS GROUP
THE PASSIVE MODERATOR
I wrote this entry back in June and never finished it. I felt stuck, as I describe below, and didn’t want to publish it until I thought it was “perfect.” This need for each blog entry to be perfect has plagued my potential and stunted my creativity. Months later, I have come back to this draft because I truly believe it deserves to see the light of day. Seeing how this new chapter of my life has unfolded, June Olivia would not believe October Olivia if she shared how good it’s about to get!
A few weeks ago, I introduced you to My Focus Group. If you have yet to read that entry, please pause here and give it a glance for a proper introduction! This analogy has changed the way I approach my inner dialogue and manage the many voices that take up space in my head.
Joy, Glitter, Blogger, Self-Critic, Anxiety, and Post-grad are chatty as ever. Now, a few weeks into summer, my mind has a surplus of time to entertain every thought they throw my way. The six of them have been the best of group members, but there is one person not showing up…
Me.
(The Moderator)
Lately, I have felt tired and conflicted, with no clear reason for my frustration. Just an overwhelming sense of dullness and indecision. This feeling is different from the familiar depressive energy I have dealt with before, but I couldn’t quite figure out the source.
Until last Tuesday.
I have therapy on Tuesdays, and this week I attempted to articulate this vague sense of mental upset. After about 20 minutes of saying, “no, it’s not that” or “maybe, I don’t know,” it flew right at me. As if Anxiety was hurling her folding chair at my head, trying to get my attention.
My focus group has been really upset with me. While they have been showing up every day, voicing their concerns, wishes, and dreams, you know what I am doing? Dismissing and avoiding them entirely.
In my first entry, My Focus Group, I unpack how each of my group members represents a part of me. Together, the six of them actively participate in my mind: fueling my thoughts, feelings, and actions. And with all of the power as the Moderator, I have been actionless, frozen even.
The official title I am using is: The Passive Moderator.
How am I supposed to do anything if I am leading my own life in a static state of indifference?
No wonder I feel tired!
No wonder I am unmotivated! Frustrated! I am not doing anything!
Let’s paint a picture here:
You are a fly on the wall in Olivia’s Focus Group- all six members are seated, staring at the Moderator’s empty chair. Anxiety is tapping her foot, 9 minutes…10 minutes. Self-Critic is ready to up and leave but Joy insists they wait for Olivia.
“She must be stuck in traffic, everyone just wait,” Joy assures the group.
Post-grad has devoured all of Joy’s cookies at this point while Glitter and Blogger chat in their own sparkly world.
17 minutes….25 minutes…32 minutes…
“Ok, that’s it. I am leaving,” huffs Self-Critic.
“No, no, no, c’mon!” Joy begs.
“What if something is seriously wrong?! We have to go find her!”
Everyone finally agrees to find Olivia, piling into Joy’s car. They arrive at Olivia’s house and knock on the front door. No answer. They knock again, still nothing. Her car is out front, though, so she must be there.
Now starting to worry, as she does, Anxiety peers through the bedroom window, and sure enough, there Olivia is. Paralyzed by fear, lying in bed, unable to face the six vibrant voices who count on her to show up.
Now that we’ve got a good visual, let’s unpack this a bit more.
Showing up for yourself is not easy. At all. Something they don’t tell you about early adulthood is you are your own boss; whether you like it or not.
This is something I am working on, especially as I enter post grad.
Ok, now back to current me.
My life now looks a lot different from when I wrote this. A lot can change in 3 months! Even though June Olivia felt so stuck and unmotivated with no clear path ahead, I am proud of all the hard work it took to get us here.
And it wasn’t just Joy, or Post-grad.
Every single part of me played a vital role in getting me to where I am.
That includes Self-Critic, and Anxiety, two of the most vulnerable parts of me who often capitalize on opportunities to self-sabotage, catastrophize, and freak out.
But once the tenacity and excitement began to culminate, the negative thoughts didn’t stand a chance.
I went from a Passive Moderator to an Active Moderator. I reclaimed my folding chair authority in the focus group circle, and I am seeing the success of diving in pay off.
With a passive attitude, it feels impossible to be brave, show up, and get out of bed, because this mindset subconsciously implies that someone is going to hand you a fast pass.
Newsflash: There is no fast pass that lets you cut the line.
The only way to take control of your life is to ACTIVELY do so !
So be brave! Show up! Get out of bed, even when you might not feel like it, because no one is going to do it for you. And when your true self (or focus group) is peering through your metaphorical bedroom window, begging you to get out of bed (your mind) and start actually living your life….that is exactly what you should do. And that is what I am trying to do every day.
Not only is it cool to care about others, it’s even cooler to care about yourself. Being the Active Moderator in your life is one of the best ways to do that.
So whatever season you are in, post-grad, pre-grad, doesn’t matter, let’s show up for ourselves as actively as possible and encourage others to do the same. It feels so good to be back, and as always…xoxo, HAGO !!
